I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
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I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Whisper out to librarians!
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
“you changed” bro i was 15
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol