Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
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Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine