Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
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6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.