Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
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Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.