YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes