My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
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Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
his wife is probably gonna see that
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate