Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.