Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
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Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
#inspiration #foodforthought
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.