my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
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you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
You are not alone 💚
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her