I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
You Might Also Like
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.