My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?