Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
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my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
fair
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07