Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?