interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
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Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.