Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
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I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.