A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
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(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I feel seen
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th