Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*