[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
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I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Not today, today.
Not today.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.