SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
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[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
subtitles are so good nowadays
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement