Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
You Might Also Like
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
iPhone X
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me