Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
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now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now