Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
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You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.