Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
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[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.