business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
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Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Your secret is safeish with me
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.