Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
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The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.