Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
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ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children