I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
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i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
let’s discuss
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
man i love columbo
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.