Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
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6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
U talkin 2 me?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.