Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!