A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
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ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.