“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
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You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started