I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday