Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
#Caturday
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.