Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
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TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.