[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
You Might Also Like
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.