“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far