INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
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I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?