None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
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Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
A Short Story.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
dictator is short for richard potato
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave