[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
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Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
A short story of betrayal:
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.