Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
You Might Also Like
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.