*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
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Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
My work here is don’t.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I love the National Park Service.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.