In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
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Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.