My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
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If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Don’t touch that.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.