CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
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They must have gotten it to go.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.