Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
You Might Also Like
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.