Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
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I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Had to try this trend 😊
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.