ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
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religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Netflix and scream at our children?!
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)