WTF IS AN ACRONYM
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Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Meow?
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
This makes total sense…
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.