“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
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I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Never let them know your next move 😂
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.