NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
You Might Also Like
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!